Dear Swillpit,

Don't write to me whining about your difficulties weaning the creature off Him.

This work is rarely easy or quick. Indeed, it may take years of patient conditioning to get him to the event horizon of Hell. But I'll let you in on a little secret that can significantly shorten the timeframe: Include a "what's in it for me NOW" in your daily whisperings.

A child who is coaxed to learn his multiplication tables so that one day he can be gainfully employed, may or may not apply himself to the task. But the child who understands that good marks result in positive attention from his teacher and parents has manifest motivation to master something that, as far as he can see, has no immediate value.

Countless earthlings, charmed by the lofty ideals of the "authentic life" and "oneness," have explored the noble paths of nihilism and spiritualism. Yet few remain long on those paths without experiencing some near-term, personal benefits. Note: Benefits that feed their carnal appetite are particularly effective!

I remember the report of Direwag, who used to work the university scene. During one term, he applied his devilish energies on four first-year philosophy students at once. And what a smashing time he had! Nearly every week, one of them would approach the professor with a new ethical system he imagined had emanated from his own cranium. Underlying the promise of global peace and plenty were novel syllogisms that, without fail, warranted free libidic expression. (Never underestimate how creative they can be when it comes to justifying their sexual exploits and removing the guilt associated with them!)

Week after week, the professor politely explained to the budding ethicists that their systems were nothing but Epicureanism with a facelift. The teaching moment had an unexpected, and completely welcomed, effect, thanks to Direwag's skillful handling. Instead of dampening their spirits, it bolstered them. The realization that they had come up with the same ideas as the venerable ancients, fed their intellectual hubris while affirming their confidence in a moral code validating their rutting passions, all for the noble goal of universal harmony, of course.

I am proud to report that all four are firmly in our Father's grip. Oh, if we only had a thousand Direwags filling today's classrooms! ...Continue reading here.

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Dear Swillpit,

Well done, my boy! I never doubted you'd get the vacuous milksop to make peace with evolutionary science, as have so many religious folk.

I'm reminded of the clergyman who called for his church to issue an official apology to Charles Darwin. An apology to a dead man about a theory that is dead wrong; it doesn't get much sweeter than that, my boy!

Or how about the annual Evolution Sunday celebrations to "elevate the national dialog on the topic of religion and evolution?" Organized by clergy, mind you, who are critical of creationism. How sweet, indeed!

I see the volume by Francis Collins really tipped the scales, eh? But then, how could it miss? I mean, one of their most celebrated scientists, a professed Christian who rejects intelligent design and defends evolution, if of a theistic flavor; why it's like having our very own Minister of Information up there.

In the brief time he has had the spotlight, he has nudged quite a few carefully conditioned patients away from the creationist view—and most incredibly, without it ever occurring to him, or them, that their fashionable viewpoint is "intelligent design," albeit one significantly opposed to the account in that Book.

At the same time, this can seem a small victory given they still believe, and strongly so, in the Object of their Christian faith. But keep in mind, Swillpit, that the sure way to Hell is by a series of incremental adjustments so small, and seemingly innocuous, that they never notice they are woefully off course until they find themselves aboard Charon's skiff heading for the opposite shore.

A believer who turns against our Adversary in a moment of anger or doubt is just as likely to turn back when he becomes a father or is diagnosed with cancer. But the man who over years and decades has developed a thick crust of disbelief is nearly impenetrable; he's the type to dismiss a seraphic visitation as "an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of underdone potato." Oh, how I devoured that story until its distasteful, and wholly, unrealistic turn. The legions of "Scrooges" who have passed through our gargoyled gates are testimony against that highly mythological ending.

Ah, but I digress!

With every victory, you should be at the ready with the next "right step." It grieves me how many earthlings have slipped through our talons because an Agent fell aswoon over his latest accomplishment. Your silence about this leads me to believe that you, too, are nodding under the stupor of success. Awake, sluggard! Back to your station!

Attend closely to my words, remain vigilant to the task at hand, and before long your pet will be slipping his head in the collar you have put before him...Continue reading here.

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Dear Swillpit,

No sooner had the courier departed with my last correspondence than I was reminded of some aspects in this case that we need to exploit.

Foremost is your man's intellectualism. By that, I don't mean his actual intelligence but his self-perception as a member of the smart set, up on all the fashionable trends in thought, subscribing to the positions espoused by the darlings of the media and academia. If he enjoys association in that rarefied circle as much as you have led me to believe, his dabbling with intelligent design will be splendidly fleeting.

Remember the reaction of the cognoscenti, months back when this came up in the brouhaha over school science standards? As I recall, one of them referred to intelligent design as "creationism in a cheap tuxedo." This is a tape you want to play over and over in his head. If he can be persuaded that ID is merely the latest wrinkle on "creation science," it will go a long way toward setting him aright our hellbound track.

Don't misunderstand me; I don't mean to imply that creationism is a baseless endeavor, harmless to our ends. Quite the contrary. Creation science is not only a frontal attack on one of our most successful contrivances, naturalism, some of its explanations for the fossil record, age of the earth, speciation, and the like are frighteningly close to the truth. And nothing is more dangerous to our cause, or us, than Truth.

Were it not for the associations we have cunningly sowed far and wide, linking creationism with the anti-science fiction of Inherit the Wind and the religious huckstering of Elmer Gantry, our successes in changing default beliefs about a creator would have been marginal, at best.

Your creature knows that to remain in good standing with his elite company, he must distance himself from anything that smacks of science contrarianism or wide-eyed fundamentalism. Keep pressing upon him the "informed" positions of specialists and "what bright people everywhere acknowledge," and you will be well on you way to reclaiming him.

This is more easily accomplished if you can muddle his understanding of those positions... Continue reading here

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My Fondest Swillpit,

Your latest letter left me speechless! Can you believe it, me, speechless? Well, you can be sure, that was short-lived. After regaining use of my tongue, both forks, and hurling howls of oaths throughout our profane halls, it finally occurred to me why your man has been giving you, us, fits: He believes, still believes, in creation!

Swillpit, how can this be? This was so thoroughly covered in Tempter's Fundamentals 101 through 104, it is unfathomable that a field Agent, even an apprentice like you, could have missed the point: What these creatures accept about the origin of life and the universe will shape what they believe about everything else, including the meaning and value they attach to things.

Easily enough we can draw them into a continuous string of peccadilloes—gossip, sloth, intemperance, and the like—but until we uproot their nagging notion of creation, our gains will be shallow and, quite likely, unsustained.

Creation, with its teleological implications and human exceptionalism, explains why your host has been so slow to embrace abortion and embryonic stem cell research, despite my excellent—I'm sure you agree!—coaching to help you bring him around.

Your negligence puts us in the unenviable position of building a foundation for a house we already inhabit. Granted, you've given him some titillating images to hang on his walls, but without attacking his presuppositions on these matters, he is as likely as not to exchange them for ones that do not disturb his inborn sense of things. How much easier our task would have been with the proper groundwork in place from the get go.

You can thank me now that I deign to invest my time for your remedial training, but be forewarned: If you fail your commission, my good graces will not deliver you from the serving platter at the Stygian banquet! ...To continue reading, click here.

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