[In the afterlife.]

Atheist: Wow. I can't believe I'm dead.

God: Believe it.

Atheist: Whoa! Didn't see you there! Who are you?

God: Hi. I'm God.

Atheist: Ha, ha. No, but seriously. Who are you?

God: I'm seriously God. It's nice to finally meet you.

Atheist: You're God. You're telling me that you're God.

God: This is what I'm saying.

Atheist: I don't believe you.

[God instantly transforms into a colossal version of himself as Studly Old White Man, with the white robes and beard and all. In a dramatic gesture he thrusts his staff aloft. The skies rent and crack with lightning. As quickly as he changed it, God then resumes his former appearance.]

Atheist: Um. Okay. You're definitely God.

God: Really? Are you sure? Because you don't want to jump into anything. Perhaps what you just saw was an illusion of some kind. Maybe you're asleep, and this is all a dream. Maybe there's a scientific explanation for what just happened.

Atheist: [pause] You know, you're right. Perception is a tricky thing. There could always be---

[Instantly Atheist has a second head---which, like his first now, wavers at the end of a long, rubbery neck. The two heads swing into view of one another. They both start screaming. After a moment God switches Atheist back to his former appearance.]

Atheist: [dropping to his knees] I believe I believe I believe I believe.

God: So that's what it finally took? Two heads?

Atheist: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so terribly sorry.

God: Well, you should be. Please---stand up.

Atheist: [slowly rising]: I can't believe I've been wrong all this time.

God: Well, that's not important now. Right now the only thing that's important is whether or not when you died you happened to be wearing flame-retardant underwear.

Atheist: [panicked] What?!

God: Relax. I'm kidding. They're not going to help you.

Atheist: What?!

God: Kidding! I'm kidding, okay? I do have a sense of humor, you know.

Atheist: [calming down] No, actually, I didn't know that. I've heard you don't.

God: You hear all kinds of crazy things about me. But trust me: I have a sense of humor. You have seen pictures of dinosaurs, right? How are they not funny? Those little heads!

Atheist: Yeah, I guess dinosaurs are pretty crazy looking. Hey, whatever happened to those guys?

God: Long story.

Atheist: I'll bet.

God: Listen, about you.

Atheist: Must we?

God: We must. You know that for the entire time you were on earth, I was almost desperately trying to communicate with you. You do know that, right?

Atheist: I guess I do now.

God: No, you do know now. I'm telling you. I never stop trying to communicate to people who have chosen not to believe in me that I am, in fact, real. That I'm here.

Atheist: I'm so sorry I didn't listen to you.

God: So am I. And I'm sorry for no other reason besides that you knowing that I was here would have made your life so much better for you. You would have been so much happier.

Atheist: I would have been.

God: Boy, do I love me some atheists.

Atheist: You do? I mean, I'm super-glad to hear it. But why do you love atheists?

God: Well, for one, I made them, didn't I?

Atheist: Yes. Yes, you did.

God: And I made them with free will, didn't I?

Atheist: Yes.

God: Well, once you give someone true free will, they're free to think, believe and do whatever they want. That's part of the package. Besides, what kind of God would I be if I designed people so that they couldn't do anything but love and praise me? How excruciatingly boring for me would that get?

Atheist: Pretty boring?

God: Gee, ya' think? Who needs a bunch of applauding zombies? What I want are partners. Friends. People who love me because they choose to, not because they have to. I want real relationships. In that regard, I'm just like you or anyone else.

Atheist: I wish I would have ... known that about you.

God: Well. You were stubborn.

Atheist: I was.

God: And you were also an especially capable person, weren't you? Smart. Resourceful. Good-looking. Great personality. You had it all, baby.

Atheist: I guess I did.

God: No, you know you did. You certainly knew it then. And people like the person you were---strong, smart, capable people---are always more resistant to my overtures than are people with a little more reason to look beyond themselves.

Atheist: [pause] Yikes.

God: Yeah. Funny, isn't it? On earth, the very things that make a person a winner are most likely to keep them a loser.

Atheist: I always thought I could handle everything myself.

God: I know you did. And how'd that work out for you?

Atheist: Terribly.

God: But you kept up a good front, didn't you? Nary a crack in the ol' facade, right?

Atheist: Right. That's right. I kept up a front.

God: And all along I tried to let you know that you didn't have to do that. I tried to let you know that I was here, that I was loving and watching out for you. The whole system you were in is designed to unceasingly prove the reality of my loving presence. The earth. The sky. Wind. The seas. All of it.

Atheist: How I wish I had listened to you!

God: How I wish everyone would!

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Atheists: I hereby declare that you are right. I give up trying to pretend otherwise. You win. You've got my number. Despite everything I've been saying and writing for years, you know the truth, and your laser-like focus upon it that truth finally burned through my facade of deception.

So here, finally, is the truth I've been too long denying: All Christians are, in fact, ignorant, narrow-minded, self-righteous, intolerant, intrusive, hypocritical, fear-driven, gay-hating misogynists. And you're right about all Christians thinking and believing exactly alike. We do. We've all been thoroughly indoctrinated into the machine of  Organized Religion, and are at least once a week brainwashed by our craven, egomaniacal Pastor Overlords into directly correlating our self-worth with how much money and allegiance we pledge to The Church. We're like helpless children desperately eager to hand over responsibility for our lives to Our Leaders, in whom we unquestionably believe. We're absolutely incapable of independent or rational thought. That's why the mere sight of a chart of elements or a microscope makes us react like chimps being poked at with lit torches. The simple fact is that science terrifies us.

We fear knowledge.

There. I said it. And I feel so much better!

I suppose by now it's obvious, atheists, that the sole reason I ever pretended to care or be interested in anything you said is because I was trying to lure you into becoming part of the Christian Borg. How else could I tolerate your soulless prattle? Besides relinquishing our money and time to The Church, we Christians are programmed for one thing, and one thing only: the recruitment of fresh blood into our ranks. Each Sunday every pastor tells every Christian in his congregation how many people they're responsible for recruiting that week. If by the following Sunday a Christian has failed to meet that week's conversion quota, he or she must do penance by washing and detailing the pastor's car right after the service. That's why pastors' cars always look so great. It's amazing what a little Turtle Wax and guilt can do.

I want to thank you, atheists, for finally breaking down my barriers, and allowing me to admit that you've been right all along. None of we Christians are intellectually curious, genuinely compassionate, congenitally independent, or more interested in truth than doctrine. You were right to insist that all Christians are exactly alike, despite all the fake evidence that we take pains to everywhere provide you to the contrary. Some people say that bigotry and blindly stereotyping people is shamefully stupid. But I think it's safe to say that, time and time again, you atheists have proven that theory to be as wrong as wrong gets.

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After I posted yesterday's Why Won't the U.S. Christian Community Return My Phone Calls?, my phone rang. It was them! Here's how my conversation with the U.S. Christian Community went:

My phone: Ring. Ring. Ri---

Me: Hello?

U.S. Christian Community: Is this John Shore?

Me: Who wants to know?

USCC: My, my. That sounds like the response of a guilty person.

Me: Who is this?

USCC: This is the U.S. Christian community, John.

Me: No. Way.

USCC: Way.

Me: I've been calling you guys forever.

USCC: Yes, we read that on your blog.

Me: You guys read my blog?

USCC: Yes. And we'd like to apologize for not returning your calls sooner. As you can imagine, we get a lot of phone calls.

Me: No worries. So you guys read my blog, 'eh? That's great, because I---

USCC: Your blog is actually one of the things we wanted to talk to you about. John, do you think your blog is pleasing to God?

Me: Why? Did he say something about it?

USCC: Ah, there's that sense of humor. You do understand, don't you, John, that when you write something to be read by the public, you're doing so as a representative of God?

Me: I am? I mean ... okay.

USCC: And that's why it's so important, John, that what you write is genuinely pleasing to God.

Me: Okay, seriously: Did God say something about my blog? Because I try to use a good picture with every post, and I always run the spell check, and ...

USCC: It's more your content that we're concerned about, John. For instance, we've noticed that you do a lot of blogging about homosexuals. Now, why do you think that is?

Me: Well, the reason I sometimes write about the relationship between Christians and homosexuality is because I'm profoundly uncomfortable with the state of that relationship today. I think too many Christians are a little too interested in keeping gays and lesbians out of their church. I think it's critical that, as loving people of a loving God, we---

USCC: And you also do a lot of writing discouraging Christians from evangelizing to non-believers, do you not?

Me: I do not. What I do write about is the relationship between The Great Commission and The Great Commandment. Because, again, as a loving---

USCC: John, do you believe in the Bible?

Me: I don't know what that question means. I believe the story of Jesus is absolutely true, if that's what you're asking me. The virgin birth of Jesus, his miracles, his resurrection, his atoning sacrifice on the cross ... I believe all of it.

USCC: So you do believe the Bible is the word of God?

Me: Well now, see, that's a different---and, as you must know, an extremely loaded---question. And it's one that doesn't actually make sense. It's like asking if I believe in water. I believe the Bible is a book. Can we start with that? It has a cover; it comes with pages. I definitely believe the Bible is a book.

USCC: The Bible is the word of God, John.

Me: Well, there's certainly no question but that it was written by men who were deeply inspired by the Holy Spirit. No one but God could possibly have written such a book. But the simple, unarguable fact remains that over thousands of years the books of the Bible were actually, physically written by men, in whatever language those men happen to speak or write at the time. So ultimately the Bible is a cooperative venture between God and man. But I don't think that lessens the Bible at all. In fact, I think it allows us to---

USCC: John, do you fear going to hell?

Me: Boy, you're not afraid to ask the tough questions, are you, U.S. Christian community?

USCC: We fear for your soul, John.

Me: Oh, thanks! But I'm okay. Seriously. I am. But I appreciate your concern.

USCC: We love you, brother.

Me: And I love you. It's an important point to make. I do love you, no matter what you think you might have read on my blog.

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"Hey John," wrote Latoya, one of what I'm sure are my many readers in Jamaica. "Could you do a post on how the Christian community in the U.S. views Halloween?"

I'd love to, Latoya! I feel I should tell you, though, that the U.S. Christian community hardly ever returns my phone calls.

"Oh, we meant to call you," they'll say when I run into them later. "But we just got so busy with our Up With Teens! fundraiser." Or, "We were going to call you, but had to finish putting the roof on the orphanage in Mexico we're building."

It's always one lame excuse or another. Some people just don't know how to establish priorities.

Anyway, my many years of eavesdropping on Christians and reading their church bulletins allows me to say, with a fair degree of confidence, that when it comes to U.S. Christians and Halloween, the following is true:

In general, U.S. Christians are not particularly keen on the idea of children dressing up in fantastical outfits and running around getting free candy from strangers. I'm not sure exactly why that is. My guess is that Christian parents are afraid, what with all the mask-wearing going on, that they'll end up taking back home with them at least one kid who isn't theirs. And then of course they'll end up raising that kid, because who wants to admit they took someone else's child home with them on Halloween? But they'll always wonder whatever happened to their own little princess or pirate. And Christians don't like wondering about things; they like knowing things. So forcing them to wonder is one major strike against Halloween, right there.

Here are the opinions that I believe U.S. Christians hold about some of the more specific features commonly associated with Halloween:

Jack 'o lanterns: Christians like pumpkins---they love pumpkin pie---but they don't like the idea of a fat person with a fire burning inside of them, because it makes them think about the heartburn they're going to get from eating all that pumpkin pie. So it's thumbs-down for jack o' lanterns.

Black cats: Christians don't generally like cats, because they know cats couldn't care less about what they or any other humans think or believe. So it's hard to imagine converting a cat. Any dog seems like it's one tap on the forehead away from falling to its knees and confessing where it hides all its bones; they're already so close to talking in tongues. But cats act like even if you've forgotten that in ancient Egypt they were worshiped as gods, they haven't. And a black cat, which acts haughty and looks cool? Forget it.

Witches on flying brooms: Generally Christians believe that it's a bad idea for cleaning implements to take flight. They like angels to fly, not mops and dustpans. Also, a flying broom implies that magic is happening---and, as everyone knows, Christians despise magic, because they can never figure out how the tricks are done, which (see above) drives them crazy. Christians also like safety, and there's nothing safe about a grown woman zipping through the air on a stick.

Haunted houses: The first thing Christians think when they hear the words "haunted house" is "decreasing property values." Enough said.

Goblins: The main reason Christians don't like goblins is because they're not sure what exactly a goblin is. A gnome without the pedigree? A leprechaun with an eating disorder? A troll on steroids? Whatever goblins are, Christians are pretty sure they can be killed with a can of insecticide. So they're not too worried.

And there you have it, Latoya. Thank you for giving me this chance to share with you and the rest of the world my insights into the mind of the American Christian.

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